Name: Brandon Otte

Age: 22

Weight: Awesome

Gender: All man, baby

Profession: Journalist, has-been, never-was

Hobbies: complaining, reading, writing, eating Oatmeal Creame Pies, watching movies, making top-five lists

 

 

Timeline!

July 9, 1982:

Brandon D. was born. He hosts this site, and without him you wouldn’t be reading this. He’s the one you should direct hate mail to. Also without him, I would have no idea who or what Han Solo was. Thanks, Brandon!

 

July 8, 1983:

I was born. I was the largest baby born at River Falls Hospital at the time. I am approximately the same age as Bart Simpson.

 

1989:

Milli Vanilli win “Best New Artist” at the Grammy Awards. They are later stripped of their prizes when it was discovered they didn’t sing their own album and that it sucked anyway. Plus, one eventually committed suicide.

 

March of 1991:

I made fun of Dusty Wunderlin on the playground and had to sit inside during recess. I’ll never forget.

 

July 8, 1991:

This was my golden birthday, but I remember very little of it. I’m reasonably certain I got a Batman toy that looked like a weirdly shaped vehicle of some sort but that was actually a weirdly-shaped plane.

 

1994:

The video game “Myst” premiers, making me angry with everyone who has ever been good at puzzle games. Seriously. We got it at the middle school library and I was, I guess, the only person who couldn’t make heads or tales of it. Thus begins my lifelong struggle with middle school libraries.

 

March 2001:

I start work at the Avalon Cinema. I will soon be unable to smell popcorn and be reprimanded for talking about Muppet Babies. Luckily, I survive with most of my soul intact.

 

March 4, 2001:

The first Moped day is celebrated.

 

May 26, 2001:

I, and most of my readers, graduated from Platteville High School. Without high school, I could never have truthfully said I dressed like a pirate on the last day of school. Also, I wouldn’t know all these kickin’ madrigal songs. Thanks, PHS!

 

June 2001:

The first ever trip to Brandon’s family’s cabin. Aside from Ed and anyone, this was the weirdest group of people ever to set foot in Wautoma. But it did include cabin regulars John Sagehorn and Justin Rainey. Also Blake Meyer, Steven Francis Thomas, and Brett Marty. In theory I learned my lesson, but…

 

July 2003:

I invite Ed to my cabin, thus beginning my lifelong struggle with the Toasters.

 

August 3, 2004:

My first post on the aptly titled "Brandon Otte's Blog." My delusions of grandeur are quickly replaced by the realization that no one cares to read "Brandon Otte's Blog." A short flirtation with the name "Ritualistic Chicken Killings" proved to attract the wrong kind of readers, and I had to find solace in the fact that my hometown at the time (Alexandria, MN) had a wig store.

 

May 6, 2005:

Welcome to the real world, #@%^. I graduate college and enter the life of the jobless. I also enter Montana.

 

July 5, 2005:

I start work at my first job. Because there’s a staff of three, I get to write a weekly space-filling column. It’s a hit with people who enjoy reading about what it’s like to start a job and live on my own for the first time (read: no one).

 

Now:

You finish reading this about me page and feel cheated. I know it's lackluster, but I never claimed to be anything but forgetable.